Category: Attempts to be humorous

Just a Couple of Days—a wishful personal literary standard; Installment II

In the continuing series things I wish I could make up here’s some more I wish I had done.  These are from Just a Couple of Days by Tony Vigorito. …

In the continuing series things I wish I could make up here’s some more I wish I had done.  These are from Just a Couple of Days by Tony Vigorito.  Obviously I have different tastes than others.  Maybe you’re one of those, briefquotes.com has what they think are the top five quotes—none of them are ones I chose.

“ Well , progress . Progress ! Progress toward what ? What’s our goal ? When do we get to dust off our hands and say , ‘ Okay , done . That’ll do for now . Let’s kick back , pass a pipe , celebrate , and get down to living our lives the way they were intended to be lived ? ’ What’s progress if we can’t define the goddamn goal ?

 

The rat race is on a treadmill, and the axle’s about to bust. Would you run a race if you didn’t know how long it would be?

 

The elevator hummed an unexciting tune, monotonous and dull, like a chorus of monks meditating upon a hissing teakettle.

 

His pulmonary capacity could have blown a brick pighouse down.

 

She is simply the essence of synthetic phoniness, like a woodgrain shower curtain…

 

…pockets of panic were popping up like pimples during puberty.

 

People were freaking out like cats running from a vacuum cleaner,

 

… slower than an injured turtle in line at the post office during December.

 

Inevitably, panic was stinging my perception like a jellyfish congratulating a tourist.

 

It was quicker than the wink of a cheetah running full speed down a moving walkway at an airport, and after it had gone, it left not a breeze to hint at its passing.

 

So, ignoring the lessons of Scooby – Doo, we split up.

 

She is so fake that it seems like she is pretending to be an actress rehearsing for a role as an impostor.

 

… in a reunion embrace that would put a lump in the throat of a macho giraffe.

 

…the look of nonsense twinkling in her eye like an octopus dancing with a pair of polyester slacks in front of a fun house mirror.

 

After all, a parched man will chew another’s dirty toenails for less than a drop of contaminated water.

 

Sweetlicks: Isn’t there a commandment somewhere that says, “ Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain? ”  Rosehips:  “Yes, but there are no forbidden words. I know you’re a little funnier in the head than I am, but what do you think that commandment means? The name of the Judeo – Christian Ultimate Source is Yahweh. It is a form of the Hebrew verb to be. God is, and thou shalt not take the Is – ness in vain.”

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PALINDROME—a wishful personal literary standard; Installment I

  I have been encouraged to write an autobiography of my life since I can tell such good stories—and they’re true.  But I have a problem; everything I do is…

 

I have been encouraged to write an autobiography of my life since I can tell such good stories—and they’re true.  But I have a problem; everything I do is done ad hoc.  I can’t even remember any jokes I’ve heard except those that concern chickens and roads, or knocking on doors.  I can make stuff on the spot, but there’s no way I can do it in a planned way.  Below are quotes from PALINDROME: A LAMB AND LAVAGNINO MYSTERY (LAMB & LAVAGNINO), by E. Z. Rinsky that I collected and I wish I could come up with stuff myself.  It should give you an idea of how my hyperbolic, but true stories sound.

 

“…only to chew thoughtfully, desperately, on the end of the pen, like it’s leaking some vitamin she’s deficient in.”

 

“…her voice firming up like tofu in the fryer.”

 

“…but in truth it’s really only notable for its complete lack of distinguishing characteristics.”

 

“I’ve never bought any of that feng shui bullshit, but if it’s possible to convey bad vibes through interior space, this house has nailed it.”

 

“Of course, maybe you wouldn’t be sure if you’re hallucinating or not. Sorta like asking if you’ve ever been crazy.”

 

“Feels like my body has become something external to me, simply a burden that I must drag along with my consciousness.”

 

“My nose is running from a healthy combination of cold, general malaise, ten days of substituting heavy drinking for sleep, and inhuman stress levels.”

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